I wish I could sit here and blog about how great life is...and i am gonna say tht... i am 99% perfect!
I am now working at Walmart...and at first i feared going into a new work place...but so far i do like it...the day goes by super fast and im making my money...im making by far more hen i was @ TDS....And i know i will miss working there but the pay wasnt worth it...if i was lucky i would work 3 hours a week....hello...thts just not gonna work...right?
So if im 99 percent great...whts holding me back?...The insecurities of life of course..and tht one percent is a bit of everything...its has to do with still being so in debt my cards r maxed out, lack of friendships,boys, periods and living at home when things r gonna get by far tougher in the next few months....
I am so syked for this moneth....my brother get out of jail on the 25th....and as much as im looking fwd to it...i know things r going to get harder...for everyone...i just refuse to put up with it....ill leave...and before tht was my threat...but now i dont have much of a choice as to where to go...it would be weird to show up with my exparents....i know they would accept me...but...i dunno...things would be weird....
hopefully i dont feel the need to run...and if i do....its where i will go...if not with my sanchito...i truly hope tht ill be able to move out...by next year....my car will be paid off i hope with wht i get from the settlement of this accident....i have completed 21 sessions of chiro...and im almost done...Dentist i have one done approximetly 2 more times to go....it should be in the process of settlement i am hoping by the end of this mont..and if all goes well i get paid b4 the end of the yr...on both cases....!
boys....well i am talking to this guy who i met online...and he seems nice...we were supposed to meet and due to my fault we didnt...he has a lil boy...and hes adorable...he like me just got out of a long relationship...so we dont want anything just yet which is wht makes it awesome....cuz we dont want much besides friendship...he got me into a show called How I met Your mother.....funny show.....lol
then there is another boy...tht i have truly grown fond of....and i cant explain wht i feel cuzi am not sure what i want...evrytime we talk about the future we say we r gonna live together...and its awesome..but...i dont know about tht....he has more interest in me then i do...but then i catch myself wondering about him...like is he were more then a friend...and it really is mixed up...every time he mentions more then friends...i duck and hide....im not ready...and i dont want a bf....i dont think i could handle failure again....and not so soon....im not ready...and i refuse to rush into anything tht i dont want at the moment...not to mention hes really a good friend...i am not ready to risk tht....he deserves better....
to go for the boy with a kid tht is broken like me...or the one tht constantly chases me.....and tells me he would treat me right....?...none...not right now..im tooo damaged....
speaking of ....its been 5 months again!...amazing right?....how bad is it still?.....depends where i am...and wht i am doing...he still crosses my thoughts....but not as much as b4.....hes still everywhere...but i do wht he does....i ignore it....i take a breath...and then go on....i realized there was no point in me trying to show him i cared when he made it clear i wasnt wht he wanted anymore...it hurts...after 5 yrs..i cldnt please him...it lowered me to a level tht i still fear i wont get over....
im polite about it all...my best of friends know the WHOLE story....every detail...and... really... it stings...they wanan do things to him tht... i cldnt let them do because after all hes still someone who made a difference in my life....no matter hos horrible it was the last few times we were a couple...he had my heart...i think i got a good grasp on my heart again....picking up the pieces and maybe one day throw it back out...but not yet....just not now...
school starts soon...excited.....I am sooo ready to do thissss
=)
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