blueangel87's Datingish

Is it Ok to be a couples 3rd wheel?

Thu, 14 Jan 2010 08:43:40 GMT

Something I ask myself sometimes...especially since lately...I'm being the third wheel. My 2 best friends now have Significant others...and i am on my own...I am the girl tht was involved for so long..im afraid to love again.....im damaged Goods...and i am too traditional to be involved it seems....

Yesterday I was the third wheel for my gal best friend and her boyfriend...let me just say...I had fun...It was like the old days where we would go to Dennys...and chill all night

and my other best friend he and his bf just got together...they r still fresh and falling in love and its a great thing....

everyone who starts a new relationship starts tht new one cuz tht last one got to the point it needed to end, and because one deserves better...as we r young...it is the circle of "life" u must get ur heart broken....to learn what true love is...I have had my heart broken by boys left and right..but when i sit here and think about it...i guess it was just my ex tht threw my heart in the blender...and broke me to pieces....In march its gonna be a year of single me...and i must confess...there are days where i text him things he once said...and he never replies....he only does when its something tht interests him...such a rare thing now...thats life...he has let me go...and...in my own twisted way..i let go a little...everyday...i put up a front to people sometimes.....they think im sooo goood...but in reality..i still have bad days...

Well in my last post i mentioned a few different boys besides my ex...

The guy with the kid....we still talk...and i dunno...theres something about him tht makes me wanna see whts up....but..im still not all healed...so why go there...not yet..im not ready...

then there is the guy from SF....hes a co worker..and getting involved with ppl from work...i dunno...and he just didn't catch my attention like i did...we called the dating quits in Nov....we still talk..we r friends...and well he has helped me grow my social network...and i can truly say tht we get sloser as friends as the days go...who knows where this leads to in the future....eh?

then...there is the guy tht i was afraid to let in...that has kinda dissapeared from my life...especially after i told him how i felt....eh....life....i saw him today....and a friend did me the favor to investigate how he feels about me....truth is..he said he still has feelings fo rme...but tht we decided to be friends....i guess it may be for the better...i dont wanna loose his friendship...o wait....we kinda have....i hate hate HATE change....i guess it is what it is...only time can reveal if we share mutual feelings for each other...not to mention that...we have transitioned to different vices....

Everytime I see him..he tells me about this new girl hes seeing...tht kinda stings a little....it burns...i cant do anything about it...cuz..im a chicken...and the past is the past...but i cling to boys..i get attached sometimes....bad fucking habbit

2010...i hope u send me....good things...and good people

Have you ever been a 3rd or 5th wheel?

Have You Ever been called...Clingy?

How much longer till i feel ready to "date" and get out there again?

Last time....

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 11:31:00 GMT

I blogged....

I was this girl asking myself and those who bother to read about my life.....what one does when you first go out with someone who doesn't know anything about you. I must admit that I was pretty nervous. And the date went well...as a matter a fact we have hung out a few times...and its been a little over a month.

I was more afraid because as I said it had been 5 yrs tht I "date".....and there are times that I sometimes ask myself if I am ready. My Mom told me that I wasn't because of the face I made when I began to talk about the fear of having feelings, and how damaged I am. My mom doesn't know everything there is to know about my past relationship....but she knows enough....in her eyes....The ex and I just grew apart.....and He cheated on me....with a girl....or something along the lines...but the rest...no....hes in the clear...because a part of me hoped that maybe one day...he'd do as I do and visit her...and make her day the way I make his parents day when I would drop in to say hello, to tell them how much they mean to me....

We had what we call outr Catchup dinner maybe 2 weeks ago....and it always goes weelll, it always turns outt o be a good nite...he updates me on work, his band and his friends who used to talk to me when i was in the picture.....but he won them in the "divorce".....it sucks because some of those ppl are great ppl and i miss them, but at the same time...they have became 2 face, and ignorant.....not all...cuz there are some who r older and wiser and see that there is more to life then just people being stupid. Ill admit that a part of me will always want to try again, the bigger part will want me to back till 2004 and be that happy 17 year old i was then.....but here i am...a content 22 year old....life.....goes...on....

" The More things Change, The more they Stay the same"....Greys<3

I swear my life...its on this show...im always a different character....If I have to describe a relationship in there that i have with anyone its the relationship Meredith and Christina have....Its me and Luis..he is "my Person"..=)

So I am dating....I was talking to a few guys....but they mostly stayed at talking level...let me touch base with tht now...

Boys....was a subject I touched on the last long blog...

I talked about a guy with a kid....and how he seemed like a cool guy...and we have grown into friends...we just text....after the first time we "tried" to meet we never tried again...when i first talked about him.... I was told to let it go...because a guy with a kid comes with baggage...and I dont mean the kid...I mean baby momma drama.....yeah...i dont need any extra drama....so we text...and aim...whenever...

Then...there is the guy that i felt myself letting go to...and thinking for months tht maybe I was feeling something for....and fear was the biggest thing holding me back from letting him see me...even tho he had been there when i had no one, after my accident we became inseparable.....until, I got a job, and his best friend moved in with him.....And I told him...when he moves in..You Will forget about me...and he said...no I wont...and he did..normally I wouldn't care...but the last time we had a chance to be open...I told him how I was feeling...and like every other time I do this with a guy......I was abandoned....and I tried to show him....I tried to point out the little things that changed...and hes oblivious to it all...and previously for months he had been telling me how he felt and I wasn't ready then and after I told him.....and this all happened......that's when I realized....tht yes maybe I was at fault for waiting so long....but I cant be with someone who cant wait for me.... who tries to push me into something i am not ready for.....I guess I learned that when i was witht he ex 2....because he tried to make me do things I wasnt ready....and then broke me so bad....that now everytime i thin about feelings...i cant think of how it feels to fall for a guy...cuz im still trying to mend the past......so with this guy....it will never work...mostly because..hes like a best friend....a best friend that tried to be more when all i could handle was tht....and then I became severely confused and hurt and he was there to catch me...and now...we hardly talk....Life.....right?

Now....there is this guy...who barely knows me...and from what I gather...he seems to be interested in getting to know me...time will tell where this goes...we have been staying up on aim...talking for hours.....if its not aim its texting, if its not that its random hey and wassup at work with a little "where you work at" and a "fma"....lol....at first I was keeping track of our dates....but then I lost track....I guess because we've gone out more times that I can keep track of now....we have even had what we call "20 minute" dates...lol...He's suprised the hell out of me and has been cute and overly nice and ..............it freaks me out....lol...... Every-time a girl gets their heart mashed up and thrown in the blender and it's mixed into micro pieces....we always wish for a nice guy, one who shows us they care, one who can make us laugh, one that pursues us, one that listens, one that damn right sounds like they are non existent in this world ....and what do we do when we find tht guy?....we freak out...and wonder...wtf did they see in us....we are so "damaged and broken" from the last relationship......why did he ask me for my number...out of any other girl...why me? and then we sit here wondering tht for so long the nice guy passes through the grasp we somewhat have on them.....i know this...I know this cuz i have let good guys slip past me....im that...stupid..........Im a little older, wiser and grown up....and im trying to learn from my mistakes.....its why we learn history...so we dont repeat them....so...lke I said time will tell....im not rushing into anything

I have told my best friend...over and over...I don't want a boyfriend right now....i'm not ready...i wanna be on my own and get my shit together, I wanna finish school. i wanna make friends, and date....I have to see what life has to offer me, and there is so much more then my surroundings (random fact....New guy...is from SF....how cool is that......)...I was involved with the Ex for so long....that i dont want to jump into anything concrete in my life right now.....and i have told people that...i hope they get it....hey...if i fall by some miracle......then i just hope tht person can catch me.....but..im not looking for anything...or anyone...

School....as usual...a stress tht happens 4 days a week....Tuesdays are my favorite....I Love Bio Class...=)

Work...I wish it made a bigger impression on my bills...i know it will....eventually...but right now....it still feels like I'm working for nothing....I just wanna breathe......

Home- I am going to be a great aunt.....I cant believe it....I need to figure out some things of my own....my brothers.....never change.....and its annoying...mom is stressing out herself.....bills r piling up, shes borrowed money, and so have I...=/......last person I tried to ask....ended up yelling at me...and brought me down....

Overall...I dont have much to complain about.....besides I need more money....and that i need to get with it in school....

Soo Tired..............its 5:30 am...=)

Advice...First "Date"

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 17:54:42 GMT

What does one consider a date?
Today I was asked to hangout by a guy at work. I have only been at my new job for almost a month so me and this guy really don't know much about each other. It really is starting out fresh.....new....can i manage tht?

Can I let someone see me?
Will he be disappointed...and run the other way?
I'm so afraid...

Haven't dated or "hung out" with a guy like this in almost 5 yrs
wht do u do?
what do u talk about?

suggestions? advice?

There is no escaping

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 01:02:51 GMT

I wish I could sit here and blog about how great life is...and i am gonna say tht... i am 99% perfect!

I am now working at Walmart...and at first i feared going into a new work place...but so far i do like it...the day goes by super fast and im making my money...im making by far more hen i was @ TDS....And i know i will miss working there but the pay wasnt worth it...if i was lucky i would work 3 hours a week....hello...thts just not gonna work...right?

So if im 99 percent great...whts holding me back?...The insecurities of life of course..and tht one percent is a bit of everything...its has to do with still being so in debt my cards r maxed out, lack of friendships,boys, periods and living at home when things r gonna get by far tougher in the next few months....

I am so syked for this moneth....my brother get out of jail on the 25th....and as much as im looking fwd to it...i know things r going to get harder...for everyone...i just refuse to put up with it....ill leave...and before tht was my threat...but now i dont have much of a choice as to where to go...it would be weird to show up with my exparents....i know they would accept me...but...i dunno...things would be weird....

hopefully i dont feel the need to run...and if i do....its where i will go...if not with my sanchito...i truly hope tht ill be able to move out...by next year....my car will be paid off i hope with wht i get from the settlement of this accident....i have completed 21 sessions of chiro...and im almost done...Dentist i have one done approximetly 2 more times to go....it should be in the process of settlement i am hoping by the end of this mont..and if all goes well i get paid b4 the end of the yr...on both cases....!

boys....well i am talking to this guy who i met online...and he seems nice...we were supposed to meet and due to my fault we didnt...he has a lil boy...and hes adorable...he like me just got out of a long relationship...so we dont want anything just yet which is wht makes it awesome....cuz we dont want much besides friendship...he got me into a show called How I met Your mother.....funny show.....lol

then there is another boy...tht i have truly grown fond of....and i cant explain wht i feel cuzi am not sure what i want...evrytime we talk about the future we say we r gonna live together...and its awesome..but...i dont know about tht....he has more interest in me then i do...but then i catch myself wondering about him...like is he were more then a friend...and it really is mixed up...every time he mentions more then friends...i duck and hide....im not ready...and i dont want a bf....i dont think i could handle failure again....and not so soon....im not ready...and i refuse to rush into anything tht i dont want at the moment...not to mention hes really a good friend...i am not ready to risk tht....he deserves better....

to go for the boy with a kid tht is broken like me...or the one tht constantly chases me.....and tells me he would treat me right....?...none...not right now..im tooo damaged....

speaking of ....its been 5 months again!...amazing right?....how bad is it still?.....depends where i am...and wht i am doing...he still crosses my thoughts....but not as much as b4.....hes still everywhere...but i do wht he does....i ignore it....i take a breath...and then go on....i realized there was no point in me trying to show him i cared when he made it clear i wasnt wht he wanted anymore...it hurts...after 5 yrs..i cldnt please him...it lowered me to a level tht i still fear i wont get over....

im polite about it all...my best of friends know the WHOLE story....every detail...and... really... it stings...they wanan do things to him tht... i cldnt let them do because after all hes still someone who made a difference in my life....no matter hos horrible it was the last few times we were a couple...he had my heart...i think i got a good grasp on my heart again....picking up the pieces and maybe one day throw it back out...but not yet....just not now...

school starts soon...excited.....I am sooo ready to do thissss

=)

2 Accidents in like 6 months...

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 05:21:55 GMT

So I used to drive a Ford Focus bk in March of 2009...
IT WAS TOTALED....

June 18th...Another...but I wasn't in a car...i was actually talking to my aunt...she was in her car parked behind mine, and I was leaning in to talk to her through the window...when a car was driving south bound...and rear ended her parked car....The speed of tht car was at least 50...and when he hit my aunts car...it caused her to rear end my car which was parked in front of her....not only did my New Nissan Sentra 08 get damaged...but myself personaly i suffered by far more injuries then my car...

I flew back about 10 feet....my face hit the cement pole..only barely did it graze my face....it could of been worse i know..i could of died....I couldn't stand still, nor could i stan the pain of my arms and body, my face felt like i had just hit it with a hammer a few times as it pounded over and over....to move my body was a chore...and blood was dripping from my mouth like clockwork. I bit the hell out of my lip...i had the imprint of my tooth on my lip for over a week, though my lip has somewhat healed.... I still have my teeth to fix...since 2 were chipped....one more noticeable then another.....the pain i feel all over my body is consistent and comes stronger at times then others....when it isnt one thing...it is another...driving is now a hard task due to my paranoia....i see a car and if it looks like its coming my way i flinch and move the wheel a bit....it shouldnt be this way....

There is this loneliness i feel in my life....When I got in my first accident....i felt abandonment...my SO at the time left me alone only 3 days after my first accident and yes i saw it going downhill but i wasnt one to give up on things....even as bad things were and the challenges i was faced to endure...i didnt want to give up on what i felt was my future and life....i guess he didnt see it the same way...and thts ok....live and learn

but now here i am again...and i keep thinking to myself how I cheated death yet again....And All i want is to spend the time i have here with the one tht i feel completes me....and i dont even think i exist for him anymore. I am not even a blip on his radar.....from being the girl tht was his all....i became a girl tht is a stranger...

How do boys do that? How can a male discard the feelings he once felt for a girl...? I feel like i was never anything....

There is currently a few males in my life tht are making life pass by....keeping me company and loving me for who i am...but u know...us girls tend to be abit dumb and want wht we cant have....though i love them...i dont want to be involved....cuzz i simply think...right now...there is no point....all ur gonna do is hurt me anyway...ur gonna lie, cheat, abandon me....

or...I will screw it over somehow cuz i am far from being the perfect person....i have my weak moments to and sometimes temptation gets the best of me

I want to be loved and cared for....

the 3 P's

Profess,Protect, Provide

tell me u love me
keep me safe
and suport me with ur kindness, wisdom and love

When do I want it?

I dont know...cuz I dont know How ready I am o be involved...i fear being screwed over...and i fear screwing tht person over because i am still not over my ex....mostly because a part of me still hopes tht one day Love will find a way...but mostly because i am just enjoying being on my own....and doing whatever i want with whoever i want and not having limits as far the ppl i can hang out with.....

I Love My life...but the accidents i have endured.....make me wish i was spending every free moment i have with the one tht i thought was my future....someday I'll be someones first Choice....till then...i guess i continue on with what other accidents life throws at me....

Its those accidents tht help me see those that are there for me when things get tough....
For example when my mother was in the hospital, when my accident happened, and just the awareness that u have in my life....shows that u care...

Admit it

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 09:33:08 GMT

...

I Miss him....but i know life goes on without him

im being pursued by this guy.....who i just met and its weird...im not used to it...and it kinda scares me....

anyways.....

Its been 3 months.....of single life

Ok Sooo

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 03:27:40 GMT

The FWB have stopped.... Atleast i think they have...

I am talking to a new guy...he seems sweet...im just not sure i am ready for the leap...

woodenspoon ....how are you? I Love your tat...=)

El Crush

Mon, 18 May 2009 04:10:35 GMT

Well my dear woodenspoon.....

In the heat of the moment...it came out...i told him...and i told him i dont expect much...cuz i know he loves his gf...

we r kinda friends with benefits...lol....

its horrible cuz...u know of the circumstances...but

i cant help it

=X girls have needs ya know?

I think i have a crush

Tue, 12 May 2009 00:43:05 GMT

and its way to complicated to go forward with

=/

damn u heart....for picking the wrong person yet again....

For woodenspoon ...my "Love Story"

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 01:07:27 GMT

As 22 year old i have only told 2 guys " I love you" in tht way u would give ur all for them....
Both guys...broke my heart....i know its a given....

" Truth is everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for"-Bob Marley

I read tht recently and i must agree...

My Most recent love...he was amazing....and I feel he still is...but we no longer have tht chemistry we once shared. I feel we both grew up and started to grow apart....and it hurts but that is life......right? we cant be 17 and 19 forever....(that was the age we got together...) Now im just about 22 and he just about 24....and we are not together anymore....i beat around the bush...so let me just start

We got together in July, the 4th of July of 2004...I met him through a friend, we just clicked....there was literly fireworks...and it was perfect...romantic even....He made me feel like i could fly.....i was the first girl to make him feel like i was "the one"...hed call me the love of his life, and tell me how i completed him...how i kept him sane when everything around him was ging crzy....i had a great feeling...a high if you feeling this....it was estacy...a natural high. I truly believe i fell in love...HARD with him....and i felt wow...how lucky am I...17 and found the man of MY DREAMS....

I have never really been a girl tht likes to go from guy to guy...i rather be comfortable and know one guy as best as i can and settle if possible....thats just me....ive never been one to date really....i dunno why so meh...

so we were good....we never really fought....we went through a lot of things....( wht couple doesnt?)...many tests to test the relationship...and i always felt we did great...i always thought to myself...bring on the next challenge cuz me and my babe can handle it....and we usually did.....so the first time things got...off....summer of 2006....so he made a myspace...(it always involves myspace right?)...lol...anyways...u know how excited we all get to find old friends...right so he found a girl who was biggest HS crush, or gf if you will... and he talked to her...a lot...it didnt bother me mostly cuz she had a kid, and was engaged....so i want worried....then there was another girl....and she worried me...she was his age and beautiful...a girl that...he liked and never had the guts to say " hey...i like you"....

I knew his password...and i never went through his things cuz i trusted him...at tht time he had no internet so he would come to my house to do his hw and stuff....it began to bother me....wheni saw tht he would hide the messages...id walk in and out of my room on purpose to catch him rapidly close the window....and pretend he was doing homework...i have always been a pretty open person....why hide things...if yo have nothing to hide....so he did it for a few days...then i finally said FUCK THIS...and i logged into his account....it so happened...that he sent her a message....and it was really out of line.....

one of those bulletins tht is a "valentine application"....and it broke me...i felt my heart crack....once again i felt like...i was nothing....especialy when the questions ranged from name, number, would u kiss me, and are u taken where would we go, what would we do, would there be a second date....As i read this i get furious it was feb 9th or 10th....and next to the question "taken...he said yes with a sad face.......yeah...i felt down right great....i should of called it quits then....but...i didnt cuz...well i am me....

my mom had surgery day b4 valentines day so at the hospital i still hadnt confronted him....and th fight happened due to something else....but at the end of the ngight he pleded for me not to break up with him...he said he would delete his myspace because....he didnt want something like this to happen again....so he did....he never talked to her again...needles to say....trust was broken.....i felt i had to dig through his things since...and i have always been pretty good at tht....and not getting caught....when i get caught its because i just dont care anymore...i never get caught on purpose.

I even talked to the girl and told her off...stupid i know....its him who i should of went off....so we fixed things...and life went on tht was wht i call FOTY...or Fight of the yr....in March we went to NY...fun...odd at times cuz of wht happened....but fun regardless

2007....great yr...celebrated our 3 yr....it was ah mazing

And in 2008....i got better at digging....I dont know how it happened where i was able to get into his bank account...and again...the only reason i went there was because i began to suspect things....he had lost interest in me...id tell him babe....lets make love and hed say no....now....just from what i know....a guy NEVER says no....and he did...to me..tht alone...pissed me off..., and when i began to ask for it...for weeks and hed still say nah not in the mood, or im tired...nah...FUCK THT...so i went there....

to my suprise i found that hes paying a good chunk of money elsewhere....a strip joint if you will...and i didnt like the fact tht i had seen it for a few thursdays in a row while i am in my class doing a lab hes out gettinga dance, hed have a lie set up for me....hed tell me tht he was with friends...and i was cheated on in the past so i cldnt let him get it over with....he was acting odd...and i went through his things...and i texted a friend of his...supposably who he was with last thursday...tell me why he never replied but my then bf got defensive and said...we need to talk...in person...i kept saying ur gonna break up with me right...just do it...tell me what i did and he said in person.....so i went later on and we talked...and it was mostly him putting me down...this whole time hes thinking i know nothing about the strip joint...so after he calls me boring, and expensive...among other things...i ask him if hes done...and hes being strong the whole time....didnt cry, or anything...he also told me he had to focus on school and tht i was a distraction....so i told him

" so im expensive,boring and a distraction....does this mean ur gonna save ur money from spending it on strippers too...?"...BUST...right

we broke up for about 2 weeks tried again but.... it just was off...weird...he dint want me....and we broke up 2 weeks after....and i stayed single for about 7 months....I was house bound for about 3 months....i didnt want anything else...i just wanted to stay home...till one night i went out...and i also found out he was having fun....dating even...he had already brought a girl to say over at home......later i find out...shes a stripper....every mans fantasy...they went out for a bout a month...and i guess while he was with her...he realized how much he missed me....or how much i was worth....he had a accident and it scared me..i was there...as a friend...but..it started to get questionable...and we tried again....got back in the beggining of Nov of 2008.....

i swear it didnt last long....the happy we r back together times...later on...he left himself logged into his email at my place...and there was a supicious email...so i followed it...and it lead me to a site tht ws basically wht u call a sex community.....where one goes there to pay for sex....so not only had i let him slide by with a girl he once liked, strippers but now..hookers...hos stupid in love i was right?...it gets better...i comfront him....and he claims its the first time.....a week later...i find out...tht th "first" was actually the third.....like i said...i got better at digging....

he delted tht cccount...we tried...truth is...i was a scorned girl, i cldnt get over it...i cldnt trust him....he asked me for certain things in the bedroom and i cldnt do it....mostlybecause i knew i had competition...and i was already feeling lower then dirt.....compare me the girl tht hasnt done anything with anyone but him....to the girls who FUCK and DANCE for a living.....

ha...i was sure to be bad.....and i was more afraid...hed tell me...try....and i cldn.t.....so i gave him a ultimatum...i told him...get tested for me....we can go together....and he didnt want to...not to mention...he stopped keeping his word on the things he had promised when he had got caught messing around....we didnt even make it to long

we broke up in march....more his decision then mine...i love him..i do...but i dont see it working out

maybe i wasnt enough...and maybe ill never be

but i refuse to lower my standards to please you...

love me for me, take me as i am...or fuck off....

im over it...

there u go...i left out stuff...but tht is the jist...