I blogged....

I was this girl asking myself and those who bother to read about my life.....what one does when you first go out with someone who doesn't know anything about you. I must admit that I was pretty nervous. And the date went well...as a matter a fact we have hung out a few times...and its been a little over a month.

I was more afraid because as I said it had been 5 yrs tht I "date".....and there are times that I sometimes ask myself if I am ready. My Mom told me that I wasn't because of the face I made when I began to talk about the fear of having feelings, and how damaged I am. My mom doesn't know everything there is to know about my past relationship....but she knows enough....in her eyes....The ex and I just grew apart.....and He cheated on me....with a girl....or something along the lines...but the rest...no....hes in the clear...because a part of me hoped that maybe one day...he'd do as I do and visit her...and make her day the way I make his parents day when I would drop in to say hello, to tell them how much they mean to me....

We had what we call outr Catchup dinner maybe 2 weeks ago....and it always goes weelll, it always turns outt o be a good nite...he updates me on work, his band and his friends who used to talk to me when i was in the picture.....but he won them in the "divorce".....it sucks because some of those ppl are great ppl and i miss them, but at the same time...they have became 2 face, and ignorant.....not all...cuz there are some who r older and wiser and see that there is more to life then just people being stupid. Ill admit that a part of me will always want to try again, the bigger part will want me to back till 2004 and be that happy 17 year old i was then.....but here i am...a content 22 year old....life.....goes...on....



" The More things Change, The more they Stay the same"....Greys<3

I swear my life...its on this show...im always a different character....If I have to describe a relationship in there that i have with anyone its the relationship Meredith and Christina have....Its me and Luis..he is "my Person"..=)

So I am dating....I was talking to a few guys....but they mostly stayed at talking level...let me touch base with tht now...

Boys....was a subject I touched on the last long blog...

I talked about a guy with a kid....and how he seemed like a cool guy...and we have grown into friends...we just text....after the first time we "tried" to meet we never tried again...when i first talked about him.... I was told to let it go...because a guy with a kid comes with baggage...and I dont mean the kid...I mean baby momma drama.....yeah...i dont need any extra drama....so we text...and aim...whenever...

Then...there is the guy that i felt myself letting go to...and thinking for months tht maybe I was feeling something for....and fear was the biggest thing holding me back from letting him see me...even tho he had been there when i had no one, after my accident we became inseparable.....until, I got a job, and his best friend moved in with him.....And I told him...when he moves in..You Will forget about me...and he said...no I wont...and he did..normally I wouldn't care...but the last time we had a chance to be open...I told him how I was feeling...and like every other time I do this with a guy......I was abandoned....and I tried to show him....I tried to point out the little things that changed...and hes oblivious to it all...and previously for months he had been telling me how he felt and I wasn't ready then and after I told him.....and this all happened......that's when I realized....tht yes maybe I was at fault for waiting so long....but I cant be with someone who cant wait for me.... who tries to push me into something i am not ready for.....I guess I learned that when i was witht he ex 2....because he tried to make me do things I wasnt ready....and then broke me so bad....that now everytime i thin about feelings...i cant think of how it feels to fall for a guy...cuz im still trying to mend the past......so with this guy....it will never work...mostly because..hes like a best friend....a best friend that tried to be more when all i could handle was tht....and then I became severely confused and hurt and he was there to catch me...and now...we hardly talk....Life.....right?

Now....there is this guy...who barely knows me...and from what I gather...he seems to be interested in getting to know me...time will tell where this goes...we have been staying up on aim...talking for hours.....if its not aim its texting, if its not that its random hey and wassup at work with a little "where you work at" and a "fma"....lol....at first I was keeping track of our dates....but then I lost track....I guess because we've gone out more times that I can keep track of now....we have even had what we call "20 minute" dates...lol...He's suprised the hell out of me and has been cute and overly nice and ..............it freaks me out....lol...... Every-time a girl gets their heart mashed up and thrown in the blender and it's mixed into micro pieces....we always wish for a nice guy, one who shows us they care, one who can make us laugh, one that pursues us, one that listens, one that damn right sounds like they are non existent in this world ....and what do we do when we find tht guy?....we freak out...and wonder...wtf did they see in us....we are so "damaged and broken" from the last relationship......why did he ask me for my number...out of any other girl...why me? and then we sit here wondering tht for so long the nice guy passes through the grasp we somewhat have on them.....i know this...I know this cuz i have let good guys slip past me....im that...stupid..........Im a little older, wiser and grown up....and im trying to learn from my mistakes.....its why we learn history...so we dont repeat them....so...lke I said time will tell....im not rushing into anything

I have told my best friend...over and over...I don't want a boyfriend right now....i'm not ready...i wanna be on my own and get my shit together, I wanna finish school. i wanna make friends, and date....I have to see what life has to offer me, and there is so much more then my surroundings (random fact....New guy...is from SF....how cool is that......)...I was involved with the Ex for so long....that i dont want to jump into anything concrete in my life right now.....and i have told people that...i hope they get it....hey...if i fall by some miracle......then i just hope tht person can catch me.....but..im not looking for anything...or anyone...

School....as usual...a stress tht happens 4 days a week....Tuesdays are my favorite....I Love Bio Class...=)

Work...I wish it made a bigger impression on my bills...i know it will....eventually...but right now....it still feels like I'm working for nothing....I just wanna breathe......

Home- I am going to be a great aunt.....I cant believe it....I need to figure out some things of my own....my brothers.....never change.....and its annoying...mom is stressing out herself.....bills r piling up, shes borrowed money, and so have I...=/......last person I tried to ask....ended up yelling at me...and brought me down....


Overall...I dont have much to complain about.....besides I need more money....and that i need to get with it in school....

Soo Tired..............its 5:30 am...=)

I wish I could sit here and blog about how great life is...and i am gonna say tht... i am 99% perfect!

I am now working at Walmart...and at first i feared going into a new work place...but so far i do like it...the day goes by super fast and im making my money...im making by far more hen i was @ TDS....And i know i will miss working there but the pay wasnt worth it...if i was lucky i would work 3 hours a week....hello...thts just not gonna work...right?

So if im 99 percent great...whts holding me back?...The insecurities of life of course..and tht one percent is a bit of everything...its has to do with still being so in debt my cards r maxed out, lack of friendships,boys, periods and living at home when things r gonna get by far tougher in the next few months....

I am so syked for this moneth....my brother get out of jail on the 25th....and as much as im looking fwd to it...i know things r going to get harder...for everyone...i just refuse to put up with it....ill leave...and before tht was my threat...but now i dont have much of a choice as to where to go...it would be weird to show up with my exparents....i know they would accept me...but...i dunno...things would be weird....

hopefully i dont feel the need to run...and if i do....its where i will go...if not with my sanchito...i truly hope tht ill be able to move out...by next year....my car will be paid off i hope with wht i get from the settlement of this accident....i have completed 21 sessions of chiro...and im almost done...Dentist i have one done approximetly 2 more times to go....it should be in the process of settlement i am hoping by the end of this mont..and if all goes well i get paid b4 the end of the yr...on both cases....!

boys....well i am talking to this guy who i met online...and he seems nice...we were supposed to meet and due to my fault we didnt...he has a lil boy...and hes adorable...he like me just got out of a long relationship...so we dont want anything just yet which is wht makes it awesome....cuz we dont want much besides friendship...he got me into a show called How I met Your mother.....funny show.....lol

then there is another boy...tht i have truly grown fond of....and i cant explain wht i feel cuzi am not sure what i want...evrytime we talk about the future we say we r gonna live together...and its awesome..but...i dont know about tht....he has more interest in me then i do...but then i catch myself wondering about him...like is he were more then a friend...and it really is mixed up...every time he mentions more then friends...i duck and hide....im not ready...and i dont want a bf....i dont think i could handle failure again....and not so soon....im not ready...and i refuse to rush into anything tht i dont want at the moment...not to mention hes really a good friend...i am not ready to risk tht....he deserves better....

to go for the boy with a kid tht is broken like me...or the one tht constantly chases me.....and tells me he would treat me right....?...none...not right now..im tooo damaged....

speaking of ....its been 5 months again!...amazing right?....how bad is it still?.....depends where i am...and wht i am doing...he still crosses my thoughts....but not as much as b4.....hes still everywhere...but i do wht he does....i ignore it....i take a breath...and then go on....i realized there was no point in me trying to show him i cared when he made it clear i wasnt wht he wanted anymore...it hurts...after 5 yrs..i cldnt please him...it lowered me to a level tht i still fear i wont get over....

im polite about it all...my best of friends know the WHOLE story....every detail...and... really... it stings...they wanan do things to him tht... i cldnt let them do because after all hes still someone who made a difference in my life....no matter hos horrible it was the last few times we were a couple...he had my heart...i think i got a good grasp on my heart again....picking up the pieces and maybe one day throw it back out...but not yet....just not now...

school starts soon...excited.....I am sooo ready to do thissss

=)